Start by dusting ceilings, walls, registers, and fan blades during Hole’s cover of Gold Dust Woman. You are Stevie after yet another fight with the jealous and controlling Lindsey Buckingham. Shake out curtains, dust blinds and then strip the beds. Wadding up the sheets you curse the day he was born. But it’s hard. You were in a very popular band together. What will you do? Don’t worry. You don’t have to solve that problem. The song will end just as the dust motes settle on the floor. If you’re wondering why I don’t use Stevie’s version of that song, it’s because it’s quite a bit slower, and less agro.
Still wielding the rags, segue to Billie Eilish’ Lunch as you dust and clean mirrors. No imagination required. Just live in that song. I usually hit repeat 2-3 times because I have a lot to dust and this song slaps.
In this next vignette, you’re a teenager who has just thrown a huge party and your folks are coming home EARLY. You zip around stripping the house and flat surfaces to clear the playing field. Chairs turned over on the table, stools and garbage cans on the porch. Counters and shelves bare. Water. Your. Plants. Oliver Malcolm’s The Machine comes in at 156 BPM, so you’ll definitely escape getting grounded.
Next up: making the beds while U2 belts out Beautiful Day. Try to dramatically snap the top sheet during a big crescendo because in this scenario, you’re a forest witch airing out her tree stump abode after reclaiming it from an evil wizard. You appreciate how those crisp sheets will feel against your cheek when night falls and your familiar curls up on the pillow beside you.
But don’t get too relaxed. Because now you need to power through the much-loathed bathroom scrub. I play a remix of Blue Monday while I pretend to be Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde. Fighting in tight spaces, turning household items into weapons, and enacting your destruction with flair makes it go quickly. If you have two bathrooms, add Dee-Lite’s Groove Is in the Heart and make your toilet De-Lovely.
By now the cleaning has hit maximum momentum and the tracks alone could keep me going. But don’t miss the chance to pretend you’re a temple priestess in the great bath. Tackle that kitchen with Halsey’s I am Not a Woman I’m a God. Perfect for cleaning the appliances, scrubbing the sink, wiping counters and cupboard doors. If your kitchen needs some extra lovin’ then add in Lenny Kravitz’s Are You Going My Way.
You’re rounding the bend here into the final stretch. Daft Punk’s Get Lucky is the perfect little bop for vacuuming. Get a Makita vacuum stick for best dancing options.
Then I damp mop with my feet on wet towels, in a modified cha cha slide step to Teddy Swims The Door. I dance those towels into every nook and cranny, then out the front door and into the final pile of laundry.
Do a final walk-through, returning all furniture and decor to its proper location while Kylie Minogue bemoans her unhealthy obsession with you. Fluff the pillows, light some candles, and appreciate your efforts.
You have a clean house, you likely closed your daily exercise ring, and you pretended to be other people which is akin to planking for social intelligence. Nice work.
